Written on the 9th August 2021:
Today I’m going to meet my second baby. It’s a bit of a surreal thing to realise. But I guess that’s the difference with a planned c-section to going into labour.
I’m excited to meet them, see what they look like and find out if it’s a boy or a girl. I’m excited for this next phase to begin. Where there’s a baby instead of a (massive) bump.
I am of course nervous about the operation side of things. But in many ways feel calmer about the operation itself knowing I’ll have the pain relief I didn’t have first time around. The recovery period is quite an unknown too. But will take it slowly.
I wanted to take some time to just write a few words about how the pregnancy has been. Probably more for me than for anyone else who may read this (as much as I’m out of practice, I find writing/blogging cathartic) In all honesty, it’s been difficult. Not because of huge health issues but I’ve had a few complications in the mix this time. On top of the emotional rollercoaster that’s been 2020-2021. Pregnancy in a pandemic adds a new level of worry to everything.
My first birth wasn’t a smooth sailing experience and so deciding to try for a second and consequently finding out about being pregnant brought up a lot of emotion for me that I had buried deep into the boxes at the back of my brain. I was very very convinced for a long time that one child was perfect for us as a family, and if that had been how life had gone I can 100% say I’d have been happy. My daughter is an absolute joy and can see a lot of positives to the one child option.
However at the same time there was something that felt really right about a second child for our family too.
So as I’m sat here tapping these thoughts out into my notes app whilst in the hospital waiting area, waiting to find what time we might be up for delivery (such a surreal thing, really) I’m excited that it won’t be long until the fourth member of the family will be here.
I can’t wait for the moment my daughter meets her sibling. To see how that relationship develops. And to see what the new baby’s personality is like as they grow.
I am completely daunted
The line above was the last thing I wrote as the midwife came to tell me they had decided I would be first up of the day (I was amongst three women scheduled for the same day but they decide order on the day depending on each individual situation.) I had been really nervous about it in the run up and they took this into account and there we go, I was up first.
That moment was a bit of a surreal one in itself. A big old wave of emotion hit, I still can’t really be sure if it was relief/nerves/excitement/worry. Who knows, but it showed itself in a few tears. I have to say through this pregnancy one of the things I can look back in in appreciation is how much the elective c-section team supported me. Especially one midwife called Natalie, she was the one I saw for many of my appointments in the run up and she was there on the day and honestly she was wonderful. Never made me feel like I was wasting her time with many many questions and just did what she could to support me whilst being as honest as possible (she couldn’t’ promise I’d be first on the day because it’s down to medical need but she said she would advocate for me based on my worries/anxiety through the pregnancy – and that’s exactly what she did). And I’m grateful to her and the team for that as it made a huge difference to my experience this time around.
So now I write this and little Oscar Thorne is 10 days old (and as I edit he’s a month old… have been doing this post in little doses of time…) He’s Currently snoozing happily by my side and likely due another feed in not too long. I didn’t want to take this post in a total u-turn and turn it into a birth story. However, I will say that both the birth and recovery so far have been so much better than I anticipated. Something that’s been a very welcome surprise and really helped the move into the newborn phase.
Sure, the rough nights are hard and the days can be monotonous but then there’s time that just passes with a snoozing happy baby asleep on me. Something where I don’t know which of us finds more comfort than the other in that moment. The newborn phase is so endless, yet passes so quickly. As I know I have no plans for any more children I want to make sure I don’t will this one to pass too quickly in an effort to get back to ‘normal’ life. Sure, I am looking forward to the freedom that comes with being able to drive again and get out and about independently. But at the same time, I’m happy to just soak up the sofa snuggles and daytime naps.
I do want to keep my brain ticking over a bit whilst in this maternity bubble so as and when I have the time and inclination expect to see some new posts popping up here again. Just need to dust off my out of practice blogging brain as have taken a few months of unintentional break. But always a break, not gone forever.
