This is a bit of a tricky post to write, but I think it’s something that will do me good in the long run to put out there. I’ve always mentioned before how the internet is not always the best place to be if you ever have any body issues, insecurities or hang ups. Well, me right now – I have a tonne of them. But rather than just letting myself die a little inside every time I see a photo of myself at the moment (I just saw one and it really made this thing hit home) I thought I’d try and do something a little less negative and put it all into words and then hopefully action…
Over the last few months I am very conscious that I have put on some weight. In the greater scheme of things, it’s not a vast amount of weight. But I often feel worse because I’m pretty short, so a little weight seems to show on me more obviously than the same amount would perhaps on someone taller. At 5ft3 I am currently about 15lbs above my ideal weight. The biggest thing that bugs me about this is that last year I was doing really well – sure, I had the motivation of a wedding and all the photos that come with it – but I had lost weight without feeling like I was starving myself or working out all hours. I was just leading a healthier life and all over it felt better – from clothes fitting, to wearing whatever I wanted and having more energy.
However, post wedding it all went to pot. After the business of organising a wedding we just wanted to relax for a bit. So we did. A tad too much. I’m talking zero exercise and take-aways multiple times per week. All in all, a bad way to be living for both bank balance and waistline. Now that Summer has come around it has really hit me how unhappy I’m feeling about myself at the moment – I’m about to head off on an amazing trip tomorrow and all I could think about in the run up is trying to find Summer appropriate clothes that also hide the bits of me that I don’t want on show.
The one thing I should add here is that when I talk about my body and weight at the moment it’s very much a ‘what feels right for me’ approach. Not saying one size/shape is better or worse than others. I truly believe everyone has their own happy shape/weight and for each and every person that’s different. For me, I’m those few lbs of fat & muscle away from the balance that makes me feel good and lets me think about far more important things to me in life than wether my jeans fit me right or not.
But in all honesty, I hate feeling this way. I know deep down I should be happy and grateful for having a body that works and whilst a little wobblier than I want it to be, I’m largely healthy. But on top of this, I am also a big believer in if something makes you unhappy for whatever reason, then that’s a totally valid feeling too.
My biggest issue at the moment is trying to connect two logical things: 1. I am not happy with my body right now and 2. I need to workout more and make healthy eating choices. Currently 1. and 2. are overruled by 3. laziness which means 1. is winning and 2. is being skipped. This does not make a happy beauty junkie and unfortunately no amount of contouring can help with a double chin.
I need to stop making crappy excuses and put my health and happiness a little further up the priority list. No more ‘oh, well I can’t go for a run now I need to work’ or ‘I can’t go swimming as I don’t want to have to wash my hair again today’… the excuses I can come up with are so bad, it’s almost impressive. The stupid thing is, it’s only me I’m letting down my making these excuses in the long run.
Exercise is one thing, but my biggest problem has to be food. I love it far too much and when eating out I find it harder to say no to ordering something I really want over something that’s a healthier option. I try to go in with the mind frame of ‘what would a healthy person order’ – I succeeded to a point this week, ordering chicken salads instead of pasta or a burrito… but there’s still progress to me made. And I will, I just need to focus on it and combine with some more regular/decent exercise.
I’m thinking that once I’ve finishing typing out my thoughts here I’m going to take myself off for a quick swim at the local pool. It’s just around the corner so couldn’t be more convenient… yet I still make those excuses! I’ve also been trying to get back into going to Barry’s Bootcamp again – but it’s so popular now that booking classes is actually getting really tricky as they’re almost all full or waitlisted! I’m also thinking of picking up power plate classes again as found they were great for getting me in shape – but at the end of the day I just need to keep getting my trainers on and going for a run! I was a member of Class Pass for a while too, which was great in terms of convenience but I wasted a lot of the trial membership by making excuses again and not booking in for classes when I should have been doing more.
So I guess this post is just a little share of how I’m feeling on the body confidence front. As I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like this and maybe needs that bit of a kick up the bum to get moving and actually start making serious changes rather than half arsed ones. Here’s to making some positive changes – more salads and sweating for me and hopefully the result will be a happier, healthier me!